A Better Human Than a Troll
by DangitJohn
Summary: Some said that Karkat really would be a better human than a troll. And when he shifts reality, and gets sent to a human world, with regular human things... Well, it sucks, to say the least. And he meets a fact truly worse than death- Public School.
1. Chapter 1

**A Better Human Than a Troll**

If there was ever a troll that wanted to be a human, it sure wasn't Karkat. He was happy with the way that things worked, and he was happy with the fact that trolls were superior to humans in every way, shape, and form.

But then again, if there was ever a troll who actually acted human, it was probably Karkat. He may have been a huge jerk at times, but then again, what were humans if not for exactly, and precisely that?

* * *

><p>Now he was in the jungle, with Kanaya, watching his (former) matesprit get tortured by his former moirail. It was complete and absolute hell. He wanted to die. Or to hurt someone. Or something! Anything but this!<p>

And yet, there was nothing that he could do. They were surrounded by lava, for one, and for another, Karkat wasn't sure if he could do this. To save Terezi, he would definitely have to fight Gamzee. There would be no shoosh paping this time; he was too far gone. And, well, despite all of the terrible things that Gamzee had done, he still wasn't sure if he could actually kill the other troll. Gamzee Makara was his moirail once. And you just didn't kill your moirail.

In midst of all this confusion, a red ship had been coming over head. A BIG red ship.

It was landing.

Landing, right there and then, right on top of all of them.

A swift kill, and now they were all dead.

* * *

><p>But maybe not permanently. For one thing, many of them were god tier. Getting landed on by a ship isn't exactly heroic or just, so there was that. Next, Jane Crocker immediately resurrected, and she could bring back the others. After all, her boss was here now, and she needed more followers.<p>

But there was one draw back. She could only resurrect one time per person, no exceptions. And Karkat had already been brought back from the dead. No big loss on her end, really. They didn't really need that *particular* troll. He wasn't important to any of the plans. He wasn't even god tier!

Of course, to Karkat, Karkat's death was sort of a big deal. But maybe that was just because it was his own self dying, and not resurrecting.

He had expected to go to one of the horrible dream bubbles. Who knows, maybe he could meet up with Vriska and Nepeta and all of those horrible Dancestors?

But he didn't even get that much. He didn't get to see his friends again, or to become part of a pirate crew, or anything. He didn't get to have any sort of happy death, because instead, he got an ironic hell sort of place.

He got put into another universe, of sorts. He got put right into the biggest, worst hell that any (non)living creature could ever hope to enter.

You know, public school.

Somehow, somewhere, something fucked up. He got pulled out of the alpha timeline, or something to that nature, and he ended up in a public school. On Earth.

And the worst part?

He still had all his memories. The last thing that happened was etched into his mind. His whole other life was etched into his mind. But instead of being there, fighting with his friends, stopping Gamzee from hurting Terezi, instead of even being allowed to DIE, he was plopped into school.

And a house.

And a guardian.

And something that seemed even worse than THAT, if it were possible; he wasn't human. Now that he was in the human world, being forced to live a human life, he didn't even get to be human. He was still a troll.

So a mutant then. No matter where he was, he would always be a mutant.

Another thing that struck him as a cruel twist of fate was the fact that he had the same blood color as the others now. But they were still going to think that he was a freak.

* * *

><p><em>Hours in the Past<em> (But not many)

Karkat woke up on his back, hardly breathing. Somewhere in his mind, it struck him that he was dead now. But he didn't really care. Maybe he had even done something right, because when he woke up, he felt a soft sort of feeling under him, and there was a sweet, comforting smell to the air.

Slowly, he blinked a few times, feeling rather lazy, but not really caring. Maybe he was allowed to feel lazy. He was just killed. He had been awake for so long… more sleep was needed.

But before Karkat could drift into another round of sleep, he heard a voice. It was feminine, yet commanding, and stern, yet concerned. All very strange, but he didn't concentrate on that. He was too busy freaking the fuck out.

"Oh good, you're awake. Are you okay? I found you in the middle of the street! I almost ran you over!"

Painfully, Karkat's brain forced him to pay attention to what was happening in reality. He closed his little dream fantasy and tried to force himself to sit up.

It was a painful decision.

A very, very painful decision.

Moaning, Karkat sunk back into the position he had been in before, not bothering to looking at the person who had spoken.

However, upon realising that the voice didn't sound particularly troll like, or familiar in any way to him, he did look up. Sure enough, she was human.

Other than Rose, Dave, and the few crazy God Tiers that he had seen, this was the first human that he had ever met. And certainly the first human that was an adult.

Wow, she was strange.

Karkat still couldn't get over the fact that all humans were vastly different. Sure, their blood colours were the same, but they had different skin, and hair colours, and eyes. All of that didn't happen on Alternia.

This particular human had short blonde hair, orange-ish skin that didn't look natural (he later learned that it wasn't; humans sometimes tried to spray themselves with 'tans' that didn't quite work) a lot of makeup, and a thick set build. She was smiling widely, her blue eyes gleaming.

"...WAIT. WHERE THE FUCK AM I?"

The lady looked rather offended, for some reason or another. "Well, young man! That's not the response I was looking for! I took you into my house, I saved your life! Don't start cussing, or I might just have to throw you right back out into the streets!"

"WELL I'M SO FUCKING SORRY THEN."

At this point, Karkat didn't give many fucks. He was in pain, he was in a strange place, and there was a strange woman looking down at him. None of this made any sense, and all he really wanted to do was be back with his friends. Things might have been bad there, but at least that was coherent! At least that made some sort of warped sense!

"Oh, you. Listen, I'm just trying to help here! You could have died, young man!"

"SORRY. IT'S JUST I'M REALLY CONFUSED AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM OR WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FRIENDS, AND I REALLY WANT TO GET BACK TO THEM. REALLY BAD THINGS WERE HAPPENING."

"Hmm? You were passed out in the middle of the street, dear, maybe you were having a bad dream?"

"NO, THIS WAS REAL AS SHIT. I THINK THIS MIGHT BE A DREAM THOUGH."

"I don't think so, honey. I'm sorry. What was happening before you passed out?"

"I THINK… THAT I MIGHT HAVE DIED."

"Well that clears things up! You must have been dreaming, because you seem pretty alive to me!"

"I DON'T KNOW. THIS COULD BE HELL. I THINK I MUST BE IN HELL RIGHT NOW."

"Am I really that bad as company?" Laughed the lady.

"WELL I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS YOU DON'T SEEM AS TERRIBLE AS SOME OF THE ASSHOLES I USED TO HANG AROUND. BUT I JUST NEED TO GET BACK TO MY FRIENDS… SOMEHOW."

"Well, in the mean time, maybe I could help you get your real memory back! What's your name, hon?"

"THOSE ARE MY REAL MEMORIES. BUT MY NAME IS KARKAT VANTAS."

"Well, there's no need to shout, but okay! That's a very unique name; I don't think that I've ever heard it before."

"I WASN'T SHOUTING. AND MY NAME IS AWESOME, SO FUCK YOU."

"I wasn't insulting your name! But next question: Why is your skin so gray? Please don't tell me it's because you're on drugs… I don't need a druggie in my house!"

"HELL NO I'M NOT ON DRUGS! IT'S BECAUSE I'M A TROLL YOU IDIOT."

"What's a troll? Is it some sort of internet group or-"

"NO IT'S MY SPECIES! I WAS BORN ON ALTERNIA, SO I'M A TROLL. SEE? I HAVE HORNS!"

"I certainly don't see any horns! Oooh… maybe you got some head damage when you were knocked out."

"I DO SO HAVE HORNS! THERE RIGHT HERE YOU FUCKASS!"

Karkat adjusted his hair so that his horns were showing. He was feeling pretty pissed off now. For one thing, the lady had insulted his horns. Yes, they were small, but that didn't mean that they were INVISIBLE. Two, he really needed to get back to his friends. They were probably really needing him right now. Maybe something really bad was happening to them!

The lady's face when she saw Karkat's horns was priceless. He wished that he had been filming the moment, because of her face.

"Oh my… Are those real?"

"HELL YEAH, THEY ARE! I'M A TROLL!"

The lady almost fainted. "... Are you a demon?"

She did a silly move where she drew a cross over her heart, and then started muttering something that sounded like a type of prayer.

"NO I'M NOT A DEMON! I JUST TOLD YOU, I'M A TROLL. AN ALIEN, I GUESS."

"...An alien?" She was whispering now, for no clear reason.

"YES!"

"Well, that's… fun…" She was still in shock. Karkat thought it was funny, he guessed, but it was growing old rather quickly, and he still didn't know where the fuck he was.

"YES, NOW CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET BACK TO MY FRIENDS? IT WAS KIND OF IMPORTANT, WHAT WAS GOING ON."

The lady laughed a little bit. "Well, Helen," she said to herself, "This could be a good little adventure, couldn't it? Yes… helping an alien get back to his friends… It'll be just like E.T! I could be just like that little boy, Elliot."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, BUT SURE. YES. YOU SHOULD BE JUST LIKE ELLEN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU JUST SAID."

"Well, mister shouty, I will help you, but you're going to have to be nicer than that! And no more cussing!"

"NOT FUCKING LIKELY." Huffed Karkat.

* * *

><p>Well, that's it for chapter one! Does anyone actually like it? NOT FUCKING LIKELY. But oh well, it was fun to write, so… I guess there might be more? Let's just see… I'm not sure. But r&amp;r anyway, because that would be nice to have!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2: Target, Showers, and Other

**A Better Human Than a Troll**

**Chapter 2: Target, Showers, and other Impossible Tasks**

Karkat wasn't aware that he had fallen asleep- AGAIN- But when he woke up, he was on the stupid flowery couch. This time, luckily, he was alone. That creepy-as-fuck Helen woman had finally gone off to bed.

It occurred to him that he could have left right then and there. There was no reason to stick around with the creepy as fuck woman, and leaving could be better than this.

But even as he was contemplating this, Karkat knew that he couldn't' actually get himself to get up and leave. There was simply no way. He was in too much pain, and the slightest movement hurt like hell. Plus, he didn't really see a reason to run away. The lady seemed like she was going to help him. So why not? Plus, maybe she actually could get him back to his friends.

And even if she couldn't, something told him that having some person on his side in this huge, unfamiliar world was a good thing.

But that didn't mean that he was going to stay. There was literally no FUCKING way that he was going to stay. NO WAY.

No way in HELL.

He was just going to… rest here… for a little while.

Yes, that was it, Karkat told himself as he drifted back off to sleep. He would only rest here. For a little while.

* * *

><p>It was a few hours later when Karkat woke up again. Wow, he had been sleeping a lot lately. Trying to catch up on sleep made you realise how much sleep you had really missed.<p>

When he blinked back to a state of awakeness, Karkat looked around and saw the lady again. Helen.

"Hello, dear! I was just waiting for you to wake up…"

"WELL, I'M AWAKE NOW, SO WHAT DO YOU WANT."

It wasn't a question, but a statement. The troll was already pissed off. But then again, when was he ever NOT?

"Well, if you're going to stay on my couch, you're going to have to change a few things. First, you smell like you've been wearing the same clothes for the past three years or so. In other words: I'm going to have to buy you new clothes, because you smell so horrible, otherwise I'd have to burn that couch."

Karkat looked down at his old sweater, and realised that he actually had been wearing it for about the last three years. Oops. It was too short now, and was worn out as heck, but what could you really do about it? It wasn't like there was a fuck ton of clothes to change into on an asteroid hurtling towards nothing for three fucking years.

"Second, you need to take a shower. So. I'm going to take you clothes shopping, and you're going to get some new duds! Won't that just be fun!"

"I WOULD LITERALLY RATHER SAW OFF MY OWN HORNS AND EAT THEM, THAN DO WHAT YOU JUST SAID."

"Well, too bad, Mr. Shouty, because you need to get in my car, and I'll take you to Target!"

* * *

><p>"THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST." Karkat moaned, as he started shuffling towards her car at a speed that didn't hurt his back as much. (In other words: he was moving so slowly it was going to take him about ten minutes to reach the car) But in reality, he was sort of glad for the chance to get out of the sweater. It was his last reminder of the trolls, (other than the horrible memories, the ones that made him long to go back; to need to more than anything) but it was also about three years too small, and it came up awkwardly to halfway up his abdomen.<p>

And Helen was right; it smelled like shit.

So he got into the stupid human transportation system, sitting in what Helen informed him was called the 'shotgun' position. They drove to the 'Target' without much conversation, and Karkat was thankful. There was no way that he wanted to thank the lady, but if she started talking, he felt like he might have to. It was a gross feeling.

When they reached the so called 'Target', Karkat forced himself to walk faster than he really wanted to, resulting in more pain. Pain, pain, pain… When was there ever anything else? Fucking never, that was when.

But he did find some cool clothes. There were these hoodies, and some shirts that he liked. And pants. And just clothes in general. Clothes that weren't over three years old and smelling worse than lusus shit.

Leaving the Target, with the bags full of clothes, Karkat was debating whether to thank the woman or not.

She made it easier.

"You're welcome, Karkat."

"WHAT?"

"I guess you weren't going to thank me. So I said you're welcome. As a joke. It was ironic."

_Ironic._ The very word brought up millions of painful thoughts. And among them, Dave. Dave. His bro. They had been friends while on that meteor, and Karkat… He and Dave had made a friend promise. And then Karkat had gone and died.

What was he doing, getting clothes, and hats, and smiling at weird old human ladies? Karkat knew what he should be doing, and that was getting back to his actual friends. You know; not being dead?

Back to Dave, back to all of th-

"Karkat? Karkat, are you okay? We're back at my house!"

Helen interrupted Karkat's train of thought, smiling her plastered on smile. The troll boy snapped back to reality, and looked at her. "OH, YEAH… JUST THINKING ABOUT MY FRIENDS… IT'S NOTHING."

"Okay, well don't zone out like that, mister! Some people might get worried."

"WELL I'M SO FUCKING SORRY THAT MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WAS SO SCARY."

Answered Karkat, rolling his eyes. Helen laughed like a woman a lot younger than she was.

"Well, Shouty, how about you go take yourself a shower! It might wash off your dirty mouth, too."

Karkat glared, but took the bag of clothes into the room that the humans used for their cleansing and waste distribution. And then, he found himself awkwardly looking at himself in a full length mirror.

"I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE." He said to himself. "I NEED TO GET BACK TO THEM."

But how? How could he? The same thought was the constant that went through everything. How was he going to get back to his normal life? The answer seemed obvious. He wasn't.

There was a very clear theme with his new life, and that was that he was going to be alone. Sure, there was Helen, and she was nice, he guessed, but she wasn't a friend, not really. He just wanted to go back to all the assholes that he used to be with. Even spending time with fucking Eridan of all people seemed marginally less horrid than it usually would have. (It still seemed like a fate worse than death, of course. Just… a bit better.)

But that was going to have to wait. Right now, he had a mission. He was going to take one of these shitty human showers.

Right.

Now if he could only figure out how to do that…

The first thing that he knew that he had to do was to take off all the clothing. Alright. That was easy enough. Next, there were these knobs… What was he supposed to do with them again? Turn them? Okay, easy enough.

Karkat attempted to turn them, and a powerful spray of water came out of the showerhead.

"MOTHER FUCKING GRUB!"

He screeched as the water pressure turned on. This human concept of a 'shower' was more like a torture device. A horrific water demon based torture device.

However, as he got used to it, it seemed to not be *so* bad. After a few minutes, the pain was a bit more tolerable.

That was when it started heating up.

And more, and more, and more, and more… Until it felt like he was literally on fire. That was the point where Karkat freaked out a little bit, broke down sobbing, and sat in the burning water while he roasted until the hot water went out.

When it was finally cool again, Karkat stood up, and attempted to use the soap that Helen had supplied for him. But once again, he had literally no idea how it worked.

Many soap filled eyes later, he gave up the washing attempt and got out of the now icy-cold shower, turning off the evil water pressure.

"THAT WAS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED. EVER." He screamed to himself, meaning every syllable.

* * *

><p>Later, the troll managed to dry himself off, and put on the new clothes that he had purchased from the store. Now, he was lounging around comfortably in some new clothes, complete with a hoodie that Helen had insisted that he buy so that he could hide his horns.<p>

"Maybe you'll be here for a while," she had insisted. "You'll want to blend in. This hoodie will hide your face and horns, and you might even look human!"

Karkat had replied with how little he wished to look like those fucking idiots, but agreed to get the hoodie anyway. It had a crab across the front, and he had always liked crabs…

Looking at it now, he was reminded of his former lusus, whom he had never really liked. And yet, memories came flooding back. Being able to talk to him after they had prototyped him in a sprite… Playing Sgrub with his friends… All of these memories plagued him throughout the night. Unlike the preceding two, he didn't get any sleep at all, and instead existed in a whirlwind of thoughts, memories, and almost dreams… Faces… People he would probably never see again.

It was about six A.M. before he drifted off into what anyone could call sleep. And that was worse than the sleepless night had been, because at least with the sleepless night, he had been able to smell the rosy smell, and look at the flowery couch, and know that he wasn't with his friends anymore, and that they were doing probably better without him. These thoughts offered him some strange sort of condolence.

But in his dreams, he couldn't know; couldn't remember that he wasn't right there, watching Terezi get hurt over and over again. He couldn't know that. All he knew was that she was going to die, and he was going to have to watch, helpless, because in each and every one of the dreams that he had, he was stuck in place, watching, just watching, never able to move.

At around ten, he woke up screaming.

"TEREZI! TEREZI! STOP YOU FUCK! LEAVE HER ALONE!"

There was a cold sweat that clung to the boy. With this scream, Helen jumped up from her makeup parlor, where she had been sitting in the other room, and ran it, with half a face of makeup on.

"Karkat?!"

She screamed.

"OH… OH GOG… I'M NOT THERE… THAT WAS A DREAM, WASN'T IT?"

Helen was panting- she had felt the fear just as much as Karkat had. Just a dream… Just a dream…

And yet, that mantra scared her a little bit, too. The troll had seemed so unshakeable, so strong, before this. Now, he was sobbing, and whispering some name. Was it… Terexi? Teseri? Something like that.

"There, there… Kar… It was just a dream… Just a dream. You're okay… You're okay…" She had sat down beside the boy and was now rubbing circles on his back. Karkat was surprised that he was okay with that, but he was dealing with too much. The rhythmic motion was helpful. He felt just a little bit better.

"Are you going to be okay, bud?"

She asked after a while. Karkat's face had hardened into it's former shell, but she could see that it was ready to break open.

"No." He answered, no longer shouting. The look on his face seemed to indicate that he had given up his will to live.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, that's that! Nothing to add, really, so I guess just R&amp;R!<strong>

**Oh, and thank you to everyone who favorited and followed and reviewed for the previous chapter! It really means a lot! Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3: The Beginning of the End

**A Better Human Than a Troll**

_Chapter 3: The Beginning of the End_

* * *

><p>It had been months since Karkat Vantas was somehow, through some grand fuckup in the universe, sent to live on Earth. And in that expanse of time, what had he done? Absolutely NOTHING.<p>

At all.

Honestly, for the past three months, four days, seventeen hours, and thirty four minutes, (give or take) he had done nothing but cry, think about his old friends, and cry some more.

Okay, and watch the occasional Rom-Com with Helen.

And by occasional you mean like, more than two a day, on average. Yeah, that's probably true. Oh well.

He fucking loved Rom-Coms, and Earth might be really fucking shitty, but at least they have a lot of Rom-Coms.

Damn did he love Rom-Coms.

But that's not the point. The point is that he has been a useless member of society for over three months now. And he wasn't the only one that's noticed this.

"KARKAT VANTAS! I know that you've been stuck here for a while, and I KNOW that you don't want to be sitting on my couch. But the fact remains, for the past few months, THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO! And I have TRIED to be nice, and wait it out. I know that things are bad right now. But you sit on my couch, don't eat, barely drink, and watch my SHITTY old Rom-Coms, day in and day out. Either get out of my house, or at least start TALKING to me! I'm worried about you, little Troll!"

He was stunned. Even in all this time, all of these three months, even when he was at his ABSOLUTE WORST, she never yelled at him like that. Karkat was under the impression that she couldn't yell at all. Honestly, he was beginning to think that yelling was more of a troll thing. But that proved him wrong.

And he was slightly terrified.

Why was he, though? That was the question; why? Karkat had been through worse. He had seen many of his friends get killed, he had watched his matesprit ship with Terezi fall apart, he had seen his entire species get wiped out.

Why was getting yelled at by a slightly overweight would-be-a-soccer-mom-if-she-had-any-kids woman the thing that actually scared him enough to shut him up?

There was no telling.

But it was a thing.

Unfortunately.

"Well…" He squeaked. Squeaked? What the hell was wrong with him? The old Karkat, the one that he used to be, he would NEVER sink so low as to fucking SQUEAK. He YELLED! And yeah, that annoyed the SHIT out of his old friends, but that was just how he WAS!

When did that all change?

Well, you guess that it all changed that night. The night that he were so down, Karkat changed that night. CHANGED. And definitely for the worse.

In fact, that was the night that he had stopped yelling. That was the night that he had just began sitting there, watching Romantic Comedies, never eating more than a bag of cheez-its, and drinking, water, every time Karkat couldn't stand the thirst anymore.

That was all he did.

The new, pristine Crab Hoodie now smelled absolutely terrible. His hair, which was never all that brushed to begin with, was now a tangle of knots, nothing else.

Karkat Vantas was a broken troll.

And to add an insult to injury, now he was being informed of all of this stuff that he already knew, and he was being informed by a woman who was nicer than a fucking Squiddle.

"Well, maybe I would move if there were SOMEWHERE where I could fucking move TO!"

He tried to summon back some of your old yelling, and while it wasn't horrible, even to his own ears, he didn't sound like himself. He sounded like some weak imposter.

He hated the sound of his own voice more than he usually did.

Ugh, he hated this.

"Hm…" Helen got a strange look on her face. Then a huge, goofy grin broke out, and Karkat knew everything was lost. This was the end. He was doomed.

Before he could ask what the fuck she was thinking up in her demented think pan, she ran into the other room, and Karkat heard her husktop turning on.

"Karkat!" She yelled from in there. "Come here for a second!"

Nervously, he entered the other room. She was sitting at her human Apple brand Husktop, smiling. She turned the husktop so that Karkat could see it, and for a second, he read it. Not that the troll really knew what it meant.

What was school?

What was this 'learning' that it advertised so shamelessly?

Hell if he knew.

She was still beaming, though, so he had to ask, with a little suspicion in his voice.

"What the hell is all this?"

"Oh, don't be like that, nubby! Don't you know what school is? Public education? Learning?"

"I know what learning is. IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, literally EVERYONE DOES! I'm not a fucking wriggler. But what the flying fuck is school?"

"Alternia doesn't have school?"

"DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT IT WOULD? DAMN, WOMAN! USE YOUR FUCKING THINK PAN!"

He had explained to her a bit of Alternian culture during the feeling jams that Karkat sometimes needed to have when he felt like he was at his absolute lowest. She hadn't, of course, understood. None of the humans ever would. She was confused by quadrants, as much as yKarkat tried to explain them to her. She thought that kismesistude sounded 'abusive', that the hemospectrum was 'unnecessary', and that lusus were 'unnatural'.

She might have been right in at least two of those, the young troll decided. But he also knew that he would never tell her that. He couldn't let that woman win; she would just be smug about it and bring it up all the time. Ugh. This is why the Alternians HAD lusi; so that young trolls didn't have to put up with the annoying older trolls.

Older trolls suck.

Older HUMANS suck.

Everything sucks.

Especially the conversation he were having with Helen currently. She looked sad now; what had he done? Nothing! Absolutely fucking nothing! Why were people so touchy all the time? Now he was going to have to be a fucking moirail and calm her down before she started sobbing her gross human tears all over the place.

"...Sorry. I didn't mean that… Just tell me what the fuck a school is?"

That brightened her up right away. Had she been faking? Karkat would have bet money that she had been. Gosh darned scheming human lusus.

"It's this building where all of the human children are put into classes where they learn things all day! It's great, and I think that you need to be signed up."

She said it in a tone that warned that if he didn't agree, she would start crying again. And besides, what could possibly go wrong if he agreed? She said it was great, and why wouldn't it be?

"Sure, just sign me the fuck up. Just don't start crying your shitty human tears anymore."

"Okay!" She said happily.

Karkat left the room as she started typing away, murmuring to herself about saying that he was her nephew or some such shit.

He didn't care at the time.

At the time, the troll didn't know that, by agreeing to go to the public school, he had made the worst mistake of his life.

* * *

><p><strong><em><span>One Week Later<span>_**

It was six o'clock in the morning, and an alarm was going off right next to Karkat's ear.

"WHAT THE FUCK"

He jumped out of the human recuperacoon, (That didn't actually do anything to keep the nightmares away; that was another thing that he had to deal with these days.) using more choice swears than he usually did. Soon, he noticed that the thing was still going off, and he started smashing it into the desk. It went off after the first hit, but Karkat (being the excessively violent troll that he sometimes was) didn't notice until the thirty fourth or so.

Helen ran into the room, her face covered in some disturbing white mask that he didn't have time to question. (Later, he found out that is was sort of 'facial creme' or something. Absolute bullshit, all of it.)

"Karkat? Calm down! What happened!"

"THERE WAS A FUCKING BUZZER THING!"

"It's called an Alarm Clock! I needed you to wake up early so that you could get ready for School!"

This should have been the point where he backed out once and for all. If nothing else was a sign that the school was going to be complete and absolute shit, this was. This was the sign that he needed.

Or at least, it should have been.

But once again, he was too fucking STUPID to back away from the school. He just groaned, kicked the couch once more for emphasis (The human recuperacoon. Helen always told him it was called a 'couch'.) and looked at her.

"What do I have to do, then?" He asked.

She smiled a little apologetically.

Karkat was scared.

* * *

><p>An hour later, he was walking out the door to Helen's hive, ('house') hating his existence even more than he had before. She forced him to glue some of his hair to his horns, so that no matter what, they wouldn't show. After THAT, she forced a hat on his hair. Next, he got to wear enough clothes to make him pass out from fucking heat exhaustion, just so that not a single inch of his skin, except for his face, was visible.<p>

This was literally hell.

And he wasn't even at the school yet.

In the car, she was talking nervously, as Karkat sat shotgun and just stared out the window, growling. He had a new backpack, filled with a bunch of shitty notebooks and pencils, or whatever she called them.

Finally, the ride was over, and Helen pulled up her car in front of the school. She smiled, but it was clearly a fake one. Looking back, Karkat knew that she knew how bad it was going to be. She let him go anyway.

The two of them walked up to the school together. No one else was there yet; it was too early. Helen had to wake him up before the sun rose so that he could have a 'meeting' or whatever with the human in charge of the School.

Walking in the double doors, an air of absolute doom surrounded him. He hadn't felt it since Jack Noir came in and fucked up his session, but he felt it now. And it was horrible.

That was the point that he tried to run, but Helen grabbed him by the hood of is crab jacket before he could.

"It's okay Karcrab!" She whispered. "Don't freak out. It'll be fine…"

He wasn't so sure, but kept walking, anyway. There wasn't much to be done at that point.

He walked through the halls a bit more, until they reached the office. Karkat tried to run again, but no dice there. Helen had a strong grip on his hoodie; stronger than he would have thought she had in her.

"Karkat, behave." She said. It was in a soft voice, but with a tone that warned him that if he didn't, she was going to fucking MURDER him. Finally calming down, he let himself get shoved into the office, which had walls painted black and green, with some white stripes around the ceiling. The troll looked around, and it didn't seem SO bad- until he looked at the man the two of them had come here to talk to.

He was wearing an all black suit that looked like it came right out of some old gangster movie. Something about the man was startlingly familiar, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

Either way; he scared the shit out of him.

"So… this is the kid, eh?"

"Yes, Mr… Black, was it?"

"Yeah. And you." He turned to Karkat, growling. "You had better not call me anything other than Mr. Black, or Sir. I need some goddamn respect around here."

"Mr. Black! This is a school!" Helen seemed genuinely horrified at the man's language, but he just growled at her and kept talking. He and Helen discussed all the classes that Karkat had to take, all the while, Karkat sat there, not really paying attention, but just trying to. Get. Out. Of. There.

It was bad, it was bad, and if Helen left him here alone with this guy in the black suit, he was going to die.

But at the end of the hour, Helen did leave. She smiled, kissed Karkat between his horns, and waved goodbye at Mr. Black.

Karkat was petrified. Pure terror.

She left, and now it was just him and the teacher, staring at each other.

"Well, you god damned idiot, are you just going to stand there like an idiot, or are you going to fucking move?"

Black handed him a schedule, and Karkat took it, trying not to hurt someone. There was nothing about this place that was okay.

"Go to class, scumbag."

And with that, Karkat jumped to his feet, and ran out the door, not looking back. That was the start of the worst part of his life; it was the beginning of the end.

* * *

><p>Hm! That took WAYYY to long to write, but laziness and boredom and school took over, so it just. Couldn't. Get. Done.<p>

Well, sorry! But r&r anyways, if you have anything left to say about this crap story!


	4. School, Royalty, and Other Asses

**A Better Human Than A Troll**

**Chapter 4: School, Royalty, and a Bunch of Asses**

* * *

><p>Your race down the hall is only stopped by running into the saddest excuse for a human that you had ever laid your worthless, rotten eyes on.<p>

This kid is skinny, with dark skin, brown eyes, and black hair shaved into a mohawk. His whole _being_ gives off look of someone trying their very hardest to be the coolest shits on the planet, but also managing to fail spectacularly and look like a cute little 3 sweep old.

He fell on the ground with a thump, and gasped for air for a second. You didn't have time to feel sorry for his dumbass self, because you were too busy trying to breathe, as well. When you caught your breath, you glared at the kid, who's eyes flared opened, and he stuttered out an apology, that deep down you knew you should be giving to the kid, and not the other way around. Fuck your conscience, though. It was your past self's fault that you hit the kid, not your current self's. You deserve this apology, if only for your wasted time and the bruises that would probably form on your back.

"Shit, bro! Sorry for… hitting you?"

You growl at the kid, smoothing your hair back over your horns. The glue, extensive in use though it was, isn't sticking in the way that it promised to, in bright, overly peppy letters on a shitty red container that hurt your eyes. You vow to fuck all shitty plastic glue bottles that print nothing but lies right to hell and back. In the least literal way possible. You have a lot on the line right now, being an alien in human school and you can't exactly get found out this early in the day. For fuck's sake, it was only around 9 AM, and being in a human testing facility by noon is not and has never been your idea of a good time.

Once you were reasonably certain that no one could see your tiny, disgraceful nubs, you growl at the kid, and begin leaving the crappy ass hallway. (In reality, no one could see them, glue or no. Your hair was fluffy, and well, your horns were small. They were barely ever visible, even in the old days of actually trying to show off the little shits. But you tried not to concentrate on any of this)

"Get out of my way next time, you dumb fuck."

Picking up your grey backpack, supplied to you, of course, by Helen's seemingly endless collection of useless school supplies, you walk the fuck out as gracefully and in the most dignified manner that a troll in like 5 layers of clothing possibly can. (See also: Waddling out like a motherfucker.)

You can feel the kid's eyes on you as you walk off, but it was pretty hard to give a particular shit about him in that moment of time. All you want is to be anywhere, ANYWHERE but here. But trolls don't always get what they want. It's hard, you think, and no one understands. Might as well get used to it.

Oh well, though. Fuck that kid. Fuck this place. You're going to go to all the places on your shitty ass schedule card, and you're going to do it right.

Even though you don't know where any of these places are.

Shit.

Thinking fast, you walk back to where you left that kid on the ground. He was still there, right where you left him, seemingly dazed too stupid to move, and was he crying? You were almost certain that you saw tears in his dumb eyes.

"Hey," You say, pulling the kid to his feet. When he was standing again, you saw that he was indeed crying, and you almost felt bad.

Almost.

"Sorry for, uh, knocking you over or whatever." It was the closest that the kid was going to get in the way of an apology from you. "But it's my first day at this shithive, and I'm sort of lost. Can you... help me?"

It was beneath you to ask this loser to help. He should automatically beg to help you. To grovel his disgusting, soft human self at your high, mighty feet, (okay well you were wearing velcro sneakers because you didn't know how to tie laces, but still) while singing your praises and giving you a map drawn in his disgusting red blood of exactly where you needed to go. But that obviously wasn't happening any time soon.

"I… I guess?"

The kid was obviously scared, but you ignored that for the time being. "Great. Now, where is this place, um, locker 612?"

"It's in the 9th grade hallway… I'll, uh, help you find it."

The kid was still quite obviously shaken by the encounter, but fuck if you cared. He was just some useless human, and he basically owed his existence to you and Kanaya's fabulous work with the Genesis frog. And if you gave his universe cancer, so what? They probably deserved it, anyway. So there was no way you were going to feel bad.

When you reached the ninth grade hallway, the kid showed you to your new 'locker' and instructed you on how to put in the combination. Then, he left, basically sprinting away as fast as he could to a locker down the hall. You had definitely succeeded in scaring the shit out of him.

Good.

Your first class, 'English', is literal hell. In the middle of a discussion, you almost (almost, mind) point out, loudly, that the name of the class is stupid; you're all just learning Trollish with a different alphabet. And that the teacher's hair looks like a heaping pile of lusus shit, for good measure.

But you don't. (Well, not the first part anyway. The second part managed to slip past your obviously tightly sealed lips, and you got sent out of class for five minutes while the woman yelled at you. Eventually you admitted that her hair was fine. This was, of course, after you realised that it was her breath, not her hair that was lusus shit. Those five minutes were among the worst in your life.)

God, do you hate Helen for making you put up with this shit, for locking you up in this shithole, and most of all, for making you abandon your shitty rom-coms in order to 'learn'- that is, listen to a bunch of idiots shouting at each other and flinging their shit at each other's heads like ape-beasts on a hot summer midnight.

(What? Like that's not a good description of public school?)

But at the same time, somehow it was still a hell of a lot better than sitting in Helen's house, crying in secret about missing your shitty ass friends back in the Game.

Well, sort of.

A few more class periods passed, and then it was time for 'Lunch'.

You run out of your class, the infamous 'Algebra', where you got to hear a long discussion of Exponents repeatedly interrupted by an asshole whispering 'That's what your MOM said last night' after every single sentence.

Now that you were finally free of the horrid class, you had expected your day to get better. You were proven wrong the second you got to the cafeteria, and realised that you were going to have to sit alone.

Great.

Gnawing on the disgusting, mustard covered, sticky excuse for a sandwich that Helen had supplied you for (quote unquote) nutrition, you glared around the room. You saw the kid that you had knocked into earlier, and almost sunk so low as to go sit with that loser.

Almost.

There was no way you were letting that become a thing. Dropping lower than Tavros had when he fell off the cliff was not a thing you were going to allow. Not until the Green fucking Sun burned you all right to the Dream Bubbles and back.

But it would have been nice if that douche muffin had, you don't know, asked you to sit with him or something.

It would have been better than sitting there alone for the allotted hour of lunch.

Plus, after pretending to ignore everything for thirty minutes, you gave up and started staring over at their table, and you learned that even Mr. ScardyShorts (what you had decided to call the kid until you actually figured out what his dumb ass human name was) had more friends than you. He was sitting with a bunch of other douchefucks; a girl with a shitty black dye job on platinum blonde hair (you could tell her natural color because of the way that her roots were showing, majorly. Ugh.), a scrawny little fucker wearing the biggest scarf that you had ever seen (He looked as if he could give _Eridan_ a run for his money in the 'Paradox Space's Biggest Douchehat Competition), a cheery looking girl going on and on about how EXCITED she was about some fucking student council election or another, and a few other kids that you couldn't really see, or, to be more honest, that you didn't even try to see.

But it wasn't like it was bugging you or anything.

Why would you care why ScardyShorts had more friends than you? That was totally irrelevant in every way, and there was no fucking way that you were going to let it ruin your entire lunch period. No, you were going to spend your time like a real Troll, and eat your shitty lunch. It didn't bother you at. Fucking. All.

Screw anyone who said otherwise.

In reality, you spent the next fifteen minutes staring at their table, and probably making weird sighing noises that everyone in the cafeteria could hear.

All of this awkward staring pain was made about a thousandfold worse when a girl with red hair and huge braces from the table looked up and noticed you staring.

You tried to look away, to look anywhere but where you were looking, right then.

You were too stupid to actually fucking do it, though. Instead you ended up staring at her like a deer in the headlights as she got up and ran over to your lonely isolation table for fruity rumpus assholes.

Fruity rumpus asshole table: population, you. And now, this other girl.

She grinned the scariest grin you had seen in your whole fucking life. It was like, what was she, a shark/human hybrid? Was that a thing? You hoped that wasn't a thing.

"Hey kid! Whatcha starin' at?"

"Um."

"I know I'm too fabulous, but try an' keep the starin down, okay? I don't even, like, know who you are."

"I'm Karkat."

You mumble. The girl grins that horrific grin again, and says, "My name is Teresa Penelope. But if you call me that, I will skin you, wear your skin as boots, and make people LICK THEM. My friends," She jerked her thumb back at the others at her table "Call me Teri."

"Okay… Teri?"

"Did I say that you were allowed to call me that? No. _You_ have to address me as 'Your Highness', or else _we_ can't be friends."

Some of the others from the table of friends had wandered over. The population of Fruity Rumpus Asshole Table was going up by the second, and you, as it's leader, were given the painful job of securing a proper democracy. Except you didn't do any of that since that was a stupid ass idea in the first place. You give a pleading stare to ScarfGuy, who looked disdainfully at 'Your Highness'. "Teri, what the fuck are ya doin' with this kid."

"His _name_ is Karkles and we're going to let him be friends with us. But he has to go through a month of trials first. Keep up, Dan-eel"

"Don't call me that, fuck mouth."

You interrupt their idiotic argument. "Wait, I didn't agree to any shitty trials that you fuckers are going to pull out of your ass, dripping with all the sorrow that your _asses_ accumulate. Maybe I don't want to be friends with you in the first place."

"Then why were you staring at us?"

Check and mate. They got you. 'Your Highness' saw your desperation and went for it, right there and then. What an ass. You could tell that the two of you would be great friends. Best Bros, if you will.

"Fine. Maybe I'm just a little fucking lonely, okay? You got me, assholes."

"Karkles, your desperation for our asses is just a little overwhelming. I mean, I know I have the best booty around, but at least wait until our trial month is over, alright?"

You glared at 'Your Highness', but nod your head anyway. You'd do anything to not be a fucking loser who sits by himself. Apparently, you would even do this.

"But don't call me Karkles, okay? I had… a friend… who called me that. It's sort of a painful memory."

"Why would I care?"

"Fuck off."

"Okaaaaaaay guys are we actually sure that we want this little dude to be a part of our group?" Bad dye job asked the others. "I mean he's sort of laaaaaaaame, right? And I don't like associating with little assholes in five layers of clothing."

You flipped the bird to that girl, thinking to yourself that you could actually hear the '8' being pronounced in Vriska's Associ8ing.

And then, all at once, you realize that you aren't WITH Vriska.

Vriska is dead.

But, then again… so are you.

And it all clicked.

The Karkles. The drawn out words. Motherfucking _ScarfGuy._

They're just like your friends. Or at least, weird, human caricatures of your friends. And what with all the weird shit happening with the Game, and alternate dimensions, and all of that shit, would it really be so farfetched to believe that…?

No. You stop yourself. This would just be too weird. It must be the mustard in that rancid, disgusting, worse-than-the-seventh-layer-of-troll-hell sandwich that you ate that's making you think like that.

That's it. You must be insane. You must be hallucinating all these useless assholes. Even in your fucking death, you can't get away.

Or maybe… All of this is real?

"Uhm, Kar?"

ScarfDouche pokes you in the arm. "You're sorta zonin' out on us."

You shake all the thoughts of weird alternate dimension paradox spaces from your head, and snap back to the weird ass reality that you have to deal with.

Human Eridan is skinny, with a deep tan, and a bright pink skunk stripe in his hair that should have tipped you off immediately. He's also too close for comfort, his pointy, long nose less than an inch from your left eye. His gross fish breath (Which was apparently so bad that it continued over to a whole other realm) was spraying in your eye.

Holding your breath, you pushed him off, and trying not to zone out again. Vriska (Human Vriska, of course) rolls her eyes.

"See, this is what I mean. This guy is worse than Solomon over there."

She points to a kid who's playing on his phone under the table. "Sol!" You call out, before you can stop yourself. Damn, you looked like a freak, but you were a freak who hadn't seen his best friend in sweeps.

"...Do I know you?"

You shook your head. "I… guess not."

He rolled his eyes and went back to his phone.

Teri pulled you down next to her. "So, nerdboy, where did you come from?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like… before you were here? Obviously you haven't been at this school before today. I would have seen you. I see _everything._ I basically rule this entire school."

You winced at this Terezi impersonator talking about how much she could _see_, but answer her anyway. "I was at a place called… Alternia?"

"Is that in Ireland?" Muttered the ScardyShorts.

"Sure." You answered, giving up on trying to make sense of the human world.

The rest of lunch went on in this fashion. One of the human versions of your friends asking questions, you just barely dodging explaining them or crying. You had to choke down your tears quite a few times.

Why?

Because you realised which ones of your friends were here. There was an asian girl that talked about Indiana Jones, and called her self Aryana. The nerdy boy on his phone. The Terezi impersonator, ScardyShorts, and ScarfDouche.

Plus a short girl who had the body of a gymnast and her 'best pal', a asswad of a jock who sweated on your _disgusting_ excuse for a sandwich (In all honesty, that added salt probably made it taste better. Not that you tasted it or anything…), the peppy election girl, and your personal (least)favorite, DyeJob, who managed to be even more annoying as a human.

The only ones missing were Kanaya and Gamzee.

The only ones alive back in the game were Kanaya and Gamzee.

All your thoughts for the rest of the day were muddled with all the confusion. Why were all your dead friends in this hellish place? And why weren't you a human, like them?

Even dead, even here, you were still a freak.

But what else was new?

* * *

><p>Well! Sorry about the long, long delay for this chapter. I feel really bad! I'll try to make more soon, though.<p> 


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